Fall always seems to be a rough time for me. Growing out of friendships, finding out my Mom had cancer, to walking through my first heartbreak -- each year seems to take another swing at my soul.
Heavy + Light.
Those are the two words that describe my season in life. The heaviness of feeling lost doesn't kill you because the chance of newness and adventure sits around the corner. At the same time, the ability to jump face first into the next chapter is haunted by lingering thoughts of feeling alone and unwanted.
Heavy + Light.
I was able to write a piece for To Write Love On Her Arms earlier this year, and the theme for the organization were these two very words pulled from this theme:
"Our hearts are heavy and light. We laugh and scream and sing."
The words have resonated with me all year. Dealing with darkness is not something you just get through overnight. It is something that has its good and bad days and each one teaches you another part to your story. Life is a movement through heavy and light. It's trying anti-depressants for the first time, having your heart broken, getting good news about graduate programs, packing up apartments to move to a new place, meeting new people, rebuilding old friendships, it is all our story. Bad moments and good moments are not isolated instances, they only exist when the other has been experienced.
In my heaviness, I want to scream, "This isn't fair!" But, then I remember words I read on a blog last year. "I hate how true the phrase 'life isn't fair' is for some people, and I want to do something to help them." Those were obviously the words of the guy I had the pleasure of dating for a year and why my heart is so heavy because he's a really cool dude. I hope that my realization that life isn't fair pushes me to not live selfishly, but desire for others a better world.
In my lightness, I want to follow this truth:
"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears." That's what this story is for the new illustration on my skin. It means to embrace the heavy and light. That one teaches you about yourself and the other pushes you to love other people.
I want to see others in their heavy and light. I want to share with them my story in hopes they find safety to share their own. We are no strangers to pain or to joy, so sharing each with others is the key to unlocking glimpses of the next world.